Dating and Co-Parenting: For the Kids' Sake

by UberMom | More from this Blogger

02 Sep 2010 10:07 AM

If you thought dealing with your ex when you were married was difficult, trying to work with that same person after a divorce can be a recipe for disaster. Same applies for the new guy you just started dating. If he has kids with an ex, there are bound to be some challenges ahead for all of you. I am in complete admiration of the man who is able to maintain a good relationship with his ex after divorce, after all she is the mother of his children. On the one hand as an ex-wife myself, I can see the beauty of a supportive co-parenting relationship. It can only benefit the kids by alleviating conflict and fostering a sense of family.

Now try adding dating or second marriage into the mix with a new spouse and children from another marriage. This quickly becomes a very complicated complex web of allegiances. There is no right answer to the way to make things best for everyone after a divorce. One thing is for sure, more and more split families are dealing with this issue in today's divorce oriented society. And keeping some semblance of a loving family unit in order for the kids' sake is an admirable undertaking that only benefits the kids in the long run.

When I first returned to dating, I thought that I was doing this to show the kids that having a healthy relationship was important. I wasn't going to sit at home and waste away just because I was divorced. Now, I know that it is probably one of the most traumatic things for the kids to deal with when another man and his kids are interrupting their version of reality at home with their mom. Needless to say, I persevere. I have been dating the same person for four years. We are both divorced, have kids from our previous marriages, and have the utmost respect for preserving a strong co-parenting relationship with our exes for the sake of the kids. Here are some things that I have learned the hard way.

Co-parenting after divorce can be a challenge even under the best of circumstances. Dating someone who has different expectations about co-parenting can be challenging in terms of defining boundaries in your new relationship. Divorce may end a marriage, but it does not end the familial relationship. Allegiances are pulled between obligations to the ex-spouse and obligations to the new family unit. Often for the sake of keeping the peace, the ex-spouse gets the default position "for the sake of the kids."

So what does that mean as you move forward in your new relationship? How does this apply to dating after divorce? Where do priorities fall in a family crisis or a last minute change in plans? These are issues which automatically come up when you are divorced and dating with kids. How will these allegiances affect your future plans in a second marriage? Make sure you are ready and willing to undertake these challenges. This is a not a situation to be stepped into lightly. Here are some of the things that I have learned.

"We are a split family." School open houses, homework struggles, sporting events, even birthdays bring divorced parents back to their nuclear family "for the sake of the kids." It can make the new "spouse" or girlfriend feel excluded and unimportant.

"The kids come first." While I believe this from the bottom of my heart, this excuse can be used to reprioritize the commitments made to the current relationship. Lack of advance planning or the kids just wanting to be with their dad can lead to conflicts in your new partnership.

"Mom vs. Step Mom." Balance and boundaries are of utmost importance. There are some split allegiances here that can lead to unnecessary conflict. Tread lightly. Divorce brings out a flood of emotions in unsuspecting situations. Emotions are running high when new relationships are changing the way they have always done things as a family. We all have to have some compassion for the situation. Try not to put your new significant other in the situation where he has to choose between respecting and doing the right thing for the mother of his children and you.

"Communication is key." Be clear about your expectations and what you can and cannot tolerate. Be respectful about the coping skills that your new boyfriend has developed for dealing with his ex. Be flexible. Be patient. Be true to your own beliefs and values.

"Don't repeat past mistakes." Dating after divorce is especially complicated when there are children involved. These are hard issues to deal with. But in order to move forward in a new relationship, all of these details are going to need to be addressed. If you are still holding onto old ways of thinking, take the time to grow and resolve past issues before moving forward with your new plans.

Good Luck. With good boundaries, a sense of humor, and a good dose of patience, there is a successful path for a healthy dating relationship and co-parenting as a single parent.

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I am a single mother with 2 beautiful children ages 14 and 11. I am passionate about being a mom and found a strength through parenting I never knew I had.

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