How Friendly do You Have to Be With Ex?

by Kori Rodley Irons | More from this Blogger

06 Oct 2007 12:12 PM

One of the questions that comes up again and again with divorced and separated parents, or with those who share custody or co-parent a child or children is how friendly do you actually have to be? Well, like most issues in human relations--it all depends...

I think that as years pass, many of us find it easier to be more "friendly" with an ex. I was talking with a woman recently whose child was grown--nearly thirty--and recently got married. She shared that since her child was an adult and had been for years, she hadn't had to interact with her ex in over a decade. Seeing each other at the wedding, they were actually able to feel quite friendly, catch up, talk to mutual friends, etc. But she chuckled when she admitted that they had been divorced for over twenty years!

So many things affect how friendly we are able to be with our child's other parent--all that history, whether or not the person is mentally healthy and trustworthy, other people who are currently involved in our family dynamics, our own mental health and state of mind, etc. Not all of us WANT to be friendly--especially in the early months and years following a break-up.

My suggestion is that the friendliness may come in time, but in the meanwhile, you can at least be cordial and focused on the business of parenting your child. We all know that the kids benefit with less animosity and less tension--so if we can't be warm, friendly "buddies" with our ex or our child's other parent, we CAN be polite and work on letting go of all of the negativity. For some of us, this just takes time--while for others, we might need to get some counseling or some outside help in order to move to a less painful, less stressful place.

Also: Exes Don't HAVE to Battle

Developing a Communication Style That Works With the Ex

Thinking of the Other Parent as a Business Partner

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kimjarena (38) 23 Nov 2007 12:51 AM

I am dealing with this now. I am the one that left and we have a son who will be just a year old in December. I would like us to be friends but I think I keep hurting him. He wants us to be and I want us not to be. I think we should be friends for the kids (I also have a stepson) but I feel as if he thinks of our friendship on a "Have you earned it" basis and I am a little afraid he will try to use this thinking when custody issues arise with our son.