Telling on the First Date

by Michele Thorne | More from this Blogger

05 Feb 2007 06:00 PM

Should I tell him/her that I am a single parent? I have heard this question a multitude of times from a lot of different people. I guess this could boil down to being a matter of opinion, and here is my opinion on this.

I would definitely say yes, tell them you have children at the start. You don't have to say "I have a child," as soon as someone asks you out; however, I would definitely mention it at some point during the first date. One of the biggest components of a relationship is being honest. If you don't tell them that you have a child, they could believe that you were trying to hide it from them, or you were being dishonest and get upset, with a valid reason.

Not telling them this information also makes it look like you are ashamed of being a single parent, and you definitely shouldn't be. Being a single parent is a wonderful thing, though hard at times. I know I wouldn't change it for the world. The way I see it, my child is the most important thing in the world to me, and I wouldn't hide that from anyone.

You may not, however, want to sit for 2 hours discussing your child, how wonderful they are, and what new thing they did this week. Just look for a point in the conversation where you can mention something about it. If it's someone who knows nothing about you, they are bound to ask you to tell them about yourself include a little blurb in there. If they ask how your day was, include something about it in there. Just make sure you mention that you have a child at some point so they know.

Also, it's only fair that the other person knows from the beginning, the situation they may be getting into. If they had decided long ago that they don't want children, and you don't tell them, then they aren't aware of the situation. Besides, I wouldn't want to get into a relationship with someone who didn't want children, or some who "isn't ready for the responsibility." This doesn't make them a bad person, it just makes them someone who isn't right for me.

My brother Jim for instance has said several times he doesn't want children. He is a kind, caring, loving guy, but he doesn't want children. Not because he doesn't like them, because he does. Not because he isn't great with kids, because he is. He doesn't want them mainly because he's a fixer and worrier, and he cares too much. If anything is wrong, he wants to fix it, and he can not stand feeling helpless. My sister's 3 sons are all disabled in one way or another. One of them (Justin, who is 14 now) has a seizure disorder. Jim was only around during one of his seizures his whole life, and it was only a staring seizure. When we moved this past summer Justin went into a seizure with in 15 minutes of Jim getting here to help, and it was the worst one yet. It was a grand mal, and he got to the point where he turned a deep shade of blue because he couldn't breathe during it. Once Justin was at the hospital with his parents, and I had my son and my other two nephews calmed down and situated, I sat down with my brother, who was literally shaking. This scared the living daylights out of him, and the worst part was, there was seriously nothing he could do. He felt useless and helpless. He could do nothing but sit and watch while his nephew couldn't even breathe. If he had a child and anything happened to that child, he would literally be devastated for the rest of his life.

So if someone says they don't want children, don't write them off as just a jerk, but know that a relationship between you would not work. Also, If they say something to this effect, don't think that you can get them to change their mind either. This is just asking for trouble.

Be sure to check out Tips for Single Dating

Learn more about Michele Thorne

Michele Thorne is an all purpose person. She is a full time single mom (her son's father is not involved in his life in any way, shape, or form) caring for her son Jonathan.

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Kori Rodley Irons (8277) 06 Feb 2007 11:28 AM

The kid issue is HUGE. I think it's important to let people know up front and I'm here to tell you, it's been my experience that for most of the people who say it ISN'T a problem--it will be regardless, so it makes sense to get things out on the table from the very beginning. We're busy people and it's tough enough to be "in the dating pool" as a single parent, why waste anyone's time with people who aren't into kids and don't want to be a part of family life. There's nothing wrong with people who don't want kids (okay, there's nothing wrong with most people who don't want kids) but take it from my experience, it's way too hard to try to keep all the pieces of your life from touching if you fall for someone who decides they're not on board with the family scene!

shopgirl515 (21) 07 Feb 2007 07:29 PM

I agree with Kori and to be honest if I was on a date with a guy I would want him to tell me up front. You never know, you could also be pleasantly suprised by their reaction:)

Michele Thorne (461) 09 Feb 2007 09:51 PM

I completely agree with both of you. It is a huge waste of time for both of you. I could only imagine how hard it would be to try to seperate the two, and probably cause a lot of undue stress.

Yes, you might be pleasantly suprised when you tell them as well. It would be very disappoining to find out afterward that they would like kids, but weren't happy with the dishonesty part if you don't tell them.